How do I get the most out of a coaching or psychotherapy relationship?
The good news / bad news answer to this question is that the hero of an effective coaching or psychotherapy relationship is not the professional. The “hero” is you, that is, the client.
In some studies, the researchers estimate that fully 70% of how it turns out is due to “client variables.” This shouldn’t be too surprising since it’s a finding that occurs in educational research (student variables account for most the outcome), in career outcome findings (worker variables account for most of the success outcomes in a career), in medicine (patient variables significantly determine the success of medical interventions), in sport (athlete variables account for most of the outcomes), and in substance abuse treatment.
The good news part of that is that a lot of the control is in your hands. The bad news part of that is therapy isn’t like a pedicure, where you can just sit back and enjoy the experience of someone else making you better.
Some researchers have concluded that the number one client variable associated with a good outcome is the client’s capacity to be self-healing, to take responsibility for self. The suggestions I’m making below are an attempt to describe what that might look like.
1. Know what you want out of the process.
a. GOALS: What’s your reason for coming in?
b. MEASUREMENT: How do you know things are bad and how will you know if things are better?
c. VALUES: What are you willing to do to get there?
i. Specifically how much time, effort, and money would a successful outcome be worth to you?
2. Make a commitment to the process.
a. Believe that it will work
b. Expect it to work
c. Act as if it will work
3. Do what you’re told (…unless it sounds really wacko!)
a. Oh-h-h-h-h …that can be a hard one!!! Here’s the research: “stubborn” people don’t get as much out of therapy because, well, it takes a lot of talent and expertise on the part of the coach or therapist to know if and when to tell you to go left because going right is the best thing for you to do. Most therapists are going to simply suggest things that will be good for you. If you have a hard time taking direction, you’ll resist those suggestions (either consciously or unconsciously) and you may do the opposite …which will be bad for you.
4. Focus on things you have control over.
a. Avoid trying to change your personality. For example, if you are a bit neurotic (and if you are, you know I’m talking to you! J), the odds of you becoming a laid-back, carefree person for the rest of your life are slim. If you’re an introvert, don’t try to become an extrovert. If you’re not exactly conscientious with respect details, don’t get into therapy to help you become an accountant. About ½ of personality is genetically-based and you’re not likely to be able to change those very, very stable traits.
b. DO FOCUS on problematic habitual behaviors. For example, even if you’re pretty neurotic, it’s highly probable that you could reduce the amount of knee-jerk, negative reactivity that you do. Even if you’re an introvert, you can become someone who commits to expressing yourself in places where it’s interpersonally safe to do so. All “slobs” and people who lose their keys all the time can learn to live in ways that is less offensive to spouses and to use systems to help increase conscientiousness. Working on these types of things will not only help you move you towards a more pleasant, meaningful, and engage life, your loosening of the grip these habits have on you will also “free” those who are near you, whom you love.
c. DO ask for help in integrating the difficult situations of your current life into a life narrative that nourishes and sustains you.
i. Many things that are painful, that you must deal with, are not of your doing. Someone else caused the problem. These events can be integrated into your life in such a way that you gain strength from your surviving of them.
d. All of the habits listed below are associated with poor outcomes in psychotherapy and coaching. If you know that one or more of these are a big part of your typical m.o., ask directly for help from your therapist in changing them. Not only will you get more out of your therapy, you’ll get more out of life. (So will everybody you love.)
i. Being rejecting of others
ii. Being aggressive
iii. Being passive
iv. Being habitually conflictual
5. Be prepared to collaborate with the coach / therapist. He or she might have some agenda items to be covered in a meeting. You should show up with your agenda items too.
a. In an given meeting, have an idea of
i. what you want to discuss
ii. confusions that you have
iii. information that you want to share
iv. new goals to discuss
v. successes and failures to analyze and understand better
6. Be open.
a. Remember in a psychotherapy situation your privacy is protected by law. The Supreme Court has recognized for decades the importance to a civilized country for citizens to have a place to speak their personal truths without fear of repercussions. Courts have consistently upheld therapists’ refusal to discuss the content of therapy sessions, even when therapists are subpoenaed. Use that legal support and tell the truth of your life to someone. It will help.
7. Lastly, if you’re not “feeling it” with your therapist in the first few meetings, quit that therapist and shop for another, even if that therapist is me.
a. A low rapport between therapist / coach and client is predictive of poor outcomes. Assume that if the chemistry isn’t there in the beginning, it’s probably not going to grow. Cut your losses. Move on to a different professional or perhaps, consider using a different strategy to grow and change.
I hope this helps you get the most out of any psychotherapy or coaching relationship you decide to pursue.
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